Blended Families

Blending families is difficult. Trust me; I am the maternal unit in a blended family and also have represented scores of people who are in or who eventually form blended families.

Blending families takes patience. I am an impatient person myself so I keenly feel this lack! The new partner always thinks you favor your child over his or hers, and often, they are correct. It's natural to think the other person should pay more attention to their new spouse than their biological children. We are all human, and humans want to be given attention and feel important.

I've been tempted to snap and have. I've been a step-parent in two marriages (including my current one) and had a step-parent for my child in two marriages (including my current one). I've done things right and I've done things wrong.
I've also watched my clients do things right and do things wrong. Sometimes, what seems right at the time ends up being wrong; and what is clearly wrong, tempts you anyway.

Blend your family carefully, calmly, and lovingly. This will stand you in good stead should you have to participate in litigation later with your children's other parent. Draw clear lines as to whose role is what. "Stepparent" is not the same as "parent" -- don't let your new partner stand in the shoes of your child's other biological parent, unless the other biological parent is unavailable or unwilling to fulfill his/her role. But don't let the children think their step-parent is not someone worthy of their respect, who has authority and standing in the home to make rules, require chores, set an example, and provide a listening ear.

Treat children the same in the household. It is tempting to favor your biological children over your new partner's biological children. Don't do it. Provide the same opportunities for each. Show the same love and caring for each. If collateral relatives provide one set of children with opportunities that the other set doesn't get, find some way to off-set. It's not fair that some should have advantages that the others don't have.

In some cases, a biological parent lives by different rules than their new partner. If you can't resolve controversies, find ways to minimize open conflict over it. If your new partner believes certain actions should be taken or avoided as to children, and you are vehement that the same rule should not apply to your biological children, examine your motivations and consider a compromise. If your new partner wants you to help with their child in ways that are abhorrent to you, dialogue about it in a nonjudgmental and nonconfrontational way. Be respectful and loving in all respects.

If one set of children is going to be treated differently, make sure the adults in the house understand the reason for the difference. Make sure it really is a difference; and if it is, that it is justified. Try to avoid hurting the child or children who have advantages, or the child or children who are not given advantages. Balance what is done, what is said, and what is meted out, so that all feel that the adults in the household love them as much as the other children and honor the other adults in the household.

When I've violated these principles, I have regretted it. I try to learn from what I see in my practice. I hope these words help you, in some way, to be a better blended family.

Corinne Corley

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Holidays bring out the very worst and the very best in people.

My advice to divorcing or separating parents at the holidays: Live by the Golden Rule. Do unto the other parent as you would want the other parent to do unto you.

This will make you a better parent, a better potential custodian in the eyes of the judge assigned to your case, and all-round, promote harmony and well-being for your children and your splintering or re-configuring family. Your children will appreciate not being the rag doll pulled between two warring, squabbling infants who are, in reality, their parents. Excepting cases of true abuse or neglect, or in domestic violence or addiction cases, try to remember that a holiday can be celebrated at alternate times than those at which you firmly believe they "should" be celebrated.

You gave up "every other year" with your family during happier times, didn't you? Of course you did: "This year we will go to your parents' house; next year we will go to mine." Of course, your children went where you went -- but still, you made alternate plans when the two of you were together, you can make alternate plans now. Celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year's a day early or a day late. You will not fall over in a dead faint if you have to do so. Your children will have two celebrations, less stress, and the example of a loving and caring parent reaching out to cooperate with someone whom they no longer love but with whom they will always be co-parents.

Try it. You'll see. And if the other parent is not as magnanimous as you, bear in mind that being a good example for your children helps them develop into happy, productive adults more capable of having successful relationships. Not to mention -- the judge will make note of which one of you tried to cooperate!

Happy holidays from all of us at the Corley Law Firm.

Corinne Corley

I said that??

I was tooling around on the internet and found a great article! And then realized that I had written it five years ago. . .

Ins and Outs of Custody Cases