Step-Parenting 101

I've been a step-parent, and I have been married so that my son had a step-parent. I have also represented people who have remarried. From any vantage point, it is obvious that the reconfiguration of a post-divorce household to include a new quasi-parent poses serious challenges.

The fragile triangle consisting of two formerly married parents and a child can ill afford to be struck by a heavily wielded club. Step-parents should recognize and respect their unique and somewhat limited role in the dynamic between and among their new spouse's child and the child's other parent. Depending on the age of the child and the length of time that the parents have been separated, you might have nothing or everything to do with the practical aspects of child-rearing.

Step-parents should allow their role to be defined by the child's parents, unless the definition sought to be imposed is unhealthy. Be wary of your new spouse's desire to have you fully involved in the daily discipline. He or she might be unrealistic about the child's ability to accept a new rule-maker or punishment-imposer. Additionally, the child's other parent may have strong feelings about your responsibilities.

In general, your initial approach should be warm, welcoming and wary. I mean "wary" in the sense of being alert to potential icebergs lurking in the flow of the waters in which you are navigating this new boat of your blooming relationship with the child's parent. Bear in mind that you are an adult to be respected by the child, but not a parent to be "obeyed" in the same sense that their birth-parent has an unwritten, and hopefully delicately used, right to demand their allegiance.

Also be careful not to be caught in a manipulative game. If the child is harboring resentment towards the parent you've married, the child might use you to hurt that parent. The same is true if the child is harboring resentment towards the other parent. In the first instance, the child might treat you badly to punish the parent you married. In the second instance, the child might cling to you to punish his or her other parent.

These issues can often arise in the context of a later-filed motion to modify the parenting terms of the original divorce judgment.

Consider talking about all of this before marrying. Read the judgment and find out what each parent can and cannot do with respect to the child, and reflect on how you will fit into the already-established situation. Consider, also, counseling with the child to help him or her adapt to your presence in his or her life. This counseling might include you, but might also be limited to the child or the child and the biological parent.

All of these things should be openly discussed with your new spouse, but NOT in front of the child, and hopefully, before you actually marry.

Step-parenting can be rewarding. As with any relationship, it will have its ups and downs. Enjoy the highs, and be philosophical about the lows. Remember, children want two things: To be loved, and to be safe. All of the rest of what we give them must serve one of these ends, or it is potentially destructive and possibly irrelevant.

Good luck!

The Importance of Being Earnest

Someone recently asked me to identify the single most important thing to do when faced with the potential of a fight with your soon-to-be-ex spouse over children and the custodial arrangements. My answer? BE SINCERE. Separate issues that have significance from those which are inconsequential. Don't argue over inconsequential matters; stick to your guns over those which are important. And ask your lawyer how to tell the difference. Things that might appear important at first blush, really might be trivial.

Don't argue over a few hours here or there; do argue over a few overnights here or there. Don't argue over semantics; do argue over important language -- "joint legal custody" has genuine significance; "joint physical custody" has genuine significance. But once you have "joint legal and joint physical custody", the issue of "the child's address for purposes of mailing and education" is less significant unless you are in separate school districts, or the other parent's home is undesirable for some major reason such as domestic violence, drugs or alcohol, in which case, you are likely to be going for sole legal custody anyway.

In short, figure out what is important, and fight for that; and ask for your lawyer's help in figuring that out. Then, be sincere about what you want, and kind about those points which have less significance. This will increase your likelihood of success, and enhance your appeal to the court, as well as making you generally better at performing your role as a parent.

Domestic Violence

The Missouri Attorney General has just released a report and recommendations on victims of domestic violence.

The report can be read here:

http://ago.mo.gov/domesticviolence/reports/AGO_Domestic_Violence.pdf