Blended Families

Blending families is difficult. Trust me; I am the maternal unit in a blended family and also have represented scores of people who are in or who eventually form blended families.

Blending families takes patience. I am an impatient person myself so I keenly feel this lack! The new partner always thinks you favor your child over his or hers, and often, they are correct. It's natural to think the other person should pay more attention to their new spouse than their biological children. We are all human, and humans want to be given attention and feel important.

I've been tempted to snap and have. I've been a step-parent in two marriages (including my current one) and had a step-parent for my child in two marriages (including my current one). I've done things right and I've done things wrong.
I've also watched my clients do things right and do things wrong. Sometimes, what seems right at the time ends up being wrong; and what is clearly wrong, tempts you anyway.

Blend your family carefully, calmly, and lovingly. This will stand you in good stead should you have to participate in litigation later with your children's other parent. Draw clear lines as to whose role is what. "Stepparent" is not the same as "parent" -- don't let your new partner stand in the shoes of your child's other biological parent, unless the other biological parent is unavailable or unwilling to fulfill his/her role. But don't let the children think their step-parent is not someone worthy of their respect, who has authority and standing in the home to make rules, require chores, set an example, and provide a listening ear.

Treat children the same in the household. It is tempting to favor your biological children over your new partner's biological children. Don't do it. Provide the same opportunities for each. Show the same love and caring for each. If collateral relatives provide one set of children with opportunities that the other set doesn't get, find some way to off-set. It's not fair that some should have advantages that the others don't have.

In some cases, a biological parent lives by different rules than their new partner. If you can't resolve controversies, find ways to minimize open conflict over it. If your new partner believes certain actions should be taken or avoided as to children, and you are vehement that the same rule should not apply to your biological children, examine your motivations and consider a compromise. If your new partner wants you to help with their child in ways that are abhorrent to you, dialogue about it in a nonjudgmental and nonconfrontational way. Be respectful and loving in all respects.

If one set of children is going to be treated differently, make sure the adults in the house understand the reason for the difference. Make sure it really is a difference; and if it is, that it is justified. Try to avoid hurting the child or children who have advantages, or the child or children who are not given advantages. Balance what is done, what is said, and what is meted out, so that all feel that the adults in the household love them as much as the other children and honor the other adults in the household.

When I've violated these principles, I have regretted it. I try to learn from what I see in my practice. I hope these words help you, in some way, to be a better blended family.

Corinne Corley