Why Did I Pay You Then?

In twenty years of being a family law practitioner, I've managed to get quite a few cases in the "W" column ("W" for "won") and a whole bunch of them in the "settled well" column. Occasionally, I have to mark an X in the "lost" column or the column labeled, "Split Decision". Win, lose or draw, I work hard. Recently, a client said, "I've paid a lot of money and gotten nothing." Aside from the fact that her assertion was not true in terms of interim outcome -- in the Motion war, we'd won a couple, lost a few, and some had been draws -- what she got was my hard work. Family law practitioners sell their time, trouble and expertise. They do not sell potential outcome. We cannot guarantee our work, nor can we put percentages on potential outcomes. The other side might win a round or two; the other lawyer might be a better manipulator; the case law might favor the opponent's position; the judge might exercise his or her discretion on the wrong side of the line for reasons no one will ever understand. On the rare occasion when a client voices objection to paying for services rendered where the outcome did not satisfy them, I know one thing almost without reserve: No outcome except total victory would provide the buzz they seek, and possibly not even that. Family law is not a win/lose arena. Sometimes it's a compromise/compromise arena, and usually it should be. In this case, the client swore her husband used drugs -- but the judge delayed ruling on my motion for drug testing until 90 days had past, making it seem to my client as though the judge favored her husband or his attorney. Moreover, on occasion the client made statements in court that contradicted the position she wanted me to take, confusing matters. Mostly, the judge's docket being crowded, and the husband inclined to stall, time wore down her resolve to fight. But she blamed me. I can only sigh, knowing I brought my hardest efforts to her case, and knowing that I will continue working as diligently as I can on every case presented to me. Because that is what I do.

Clothes Might Make the Man. . . or Woman

This week, I learned a valuable lesson: Don't assume your clients know how to dress for court.

I used to always tell my clients to wear nice slacks, or a dress, or "clothes you might wear to your Grandmother's funeral". I have fallen out of the habit, and that remission bit me on the behind this week. One client came to court in jeans with holes in them, and another -- sad to say -- wore Elmo pajamas and fuzzy black slippers.

Not a good look when you are trying to get your children back.

Learn this lesson with me: Clothes do portray an image. Call the world superficial, but there it is. You are, in part, perceived by what you wear. So make a good impression. Clean, simple clothing. No holes. No blue jeans. No character T-shirts. Anyone can buy decent-looking attire for a few dollars at a thrift store and if you can't iron, find a friend who can.

When the lives of your children are on the line, looking respectable is the least you can do.

Child Support Guidelines CHANGE in Missouri

Although most practitioners agreed that the calculations in which we engaged "got us to 50%" on an overnight parenting credit calculation, the method of doing so confused many, including judges, lawyers, obligors and recipients. Our Supreme Court has changed the rules to allow "up to a 50% credit" for expenses relating to overnight parenting of a person otherwise obligated to pay child support.


"Line 11: Adjustment for a portion of amounts expended by the parent obligated to pay support during periods of overnight visitation or custody
DIRECTION: Enter the monthly amount of any adjustment to which the parent obligated to pay support is entitled for a portion of the amounts expended on the children who are the subject of this proceeding during that parent's periods of overnight visitation or custody. The adjustment shall be calculated by multiplying the basic child support amount from line 5 by the applicable adjustment from the table below. This adjustment is based on the number of periods of overnight visitation or custody per year awarded to and exercised by the parent obligated to pay support under any order or judgment.
If the parent obligated to pay support is or has been awarded periods of overnight visitation or custody of more than 109 days per year, the adjustment for that parent may be greater than 10% up to a maximum of 50%."

Bear in mind that the reason we have one parent pay child support to the other is that the other parent is presumed to be providing the primary dwelling for the child or children. That parent is presumed to have certain "fixed" expenses that the other parent is not presumed to have. That is the heart of why you pay child support "even if you have equal time". Other factors can be taken into consideration to "rebut" the presumed child support. Your best bet is to talk to a practitioner and get his or her advice on how your child support will be calculated and what is "fair and appropriate" in your case, in your county, on your facts.

Blended Families

Blending families is difficult. Trust me; I am the maternal unit in a blended family and also have represented scores of people who are in or who eventually form blended families.

Blending families takes patience. I am an impatient person myself so I keenly feel this lack! The new partner always thinks you favor your child over his or hers, and often, they are correct. It's natural to think the other person should pay more attention to their new spouse than their biological children. We are all human, and humans want to be given attention and feel important.

I've been tempted to snap and have. I've been a step-parent in two marriages (including my current one) and had a step-parent for my child in two marriages (including my current one). I've done things right and I've done things wrong.
I've also watched my clients do things right and do things wrong. Sometimes, what seems right at the time ends up being wrong; and what is clearly wrong, tempts you anyway.

Blend your family carefully, calmly, and lovingly. This will stand you in good stead should you have to participate in litigation later with your children's other parent. Draw clear lines as to whose role is what. "Stepparent" is not the same as "parent" -- don't let your new partner stand in the shoes of your child's other biological parent, unless the other biological parent is unavailable or unwilling to fulfill his/her role. But don't let the children think their step-parent is not someone worthy of their respect, who has authority and standing in the home to make rules, require chores, set an example, and provide a listening ear.

Treat children the same in the household. It is tempting to favor your biological children over your new partner's biological children. Don't do it. Provide the same opportunities for each. Show the same love and caring for each. If collateral relatives provide one set of children with opportunities that the other set doesn't get, find some way to off-set. It's not fair that some should have advantages that the others don't have.

In some cases, a biological parent lives by different rules than their new partner. If you can't resolve controversies, find ways to minimize open conflict over it. If your new partner believes certain actions should be taken or avoided as to children, and you are vehement that the same rule should not apply to your biological children, examine your motivations and consider a compromise. If your new partner wants you to help with their child in ways that are abhorrent to you, dialogue about it in a nonjudgmental and nonconfrontational way. Be respectful and loving in all respects.

If one set of children is going to be treated differently, make sure the adults in the house understand the reason for the difference. Make sure it really is a difference; and if it is, that it is justified. Try to avoid hurting the child or children who have advantages, or the child or children who are not given advantages. Balance what is done, what is said, and what is meted out, so that all feel that the adults in the household love them as much as the other children and honor the other adults in the household.

When I've violated these principles, I have regretted it. I try to learn from what I see in my practice. I hope these words help you, in some way, to be a better blended family.

Corinne Corley

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Holidays bring out the very worst and the very best in people.

My advice to divorcing or separating parents at the holidays: Live by the Golden Rule. Do unto the other parent as you would want the other parent to do unto you.

This will make you a better parent, a better potential custodian in the eyes of the judge assigned to your case, and all-round, promote harmony and well-being for your children and your splintering or re-configuring family. Your children will appreciate not being the rag doll pulled between two warring, squabbling infants who are, in reality, their parents. Excepting cases of true abuse or neglect, or in domestic violence or addiction cases, try to remember that a holiday can be celebrated at alternate times than those at which you firmly believe they "should" be celebrated.

You gave up "every other year" with your family during happier times, didn't you? Of course you did: "This year we will go to your parents' house; next year we will go to mine." Of course, your children went where you went -- but still, you made alternate plans when the two of you were together, you can make alternate plans now. Celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year's a day early or a day late. You will not fall over in a dead faint if you have to do so. Your children will have two celebrations, less stress, and the example of a loving and caring parent reaching out to cooperate with someone whom they no longer love but with whom they will always be co-parents.

Try it. You'll see. And if the other parent is not as magnanimous as you, bear in mind that being a good example for your children helps them develop into happy, productive adults more capable of having successful relationships. Not to mention -- the judge will make note of which one of you tried to cooperate!

Happy holidays from all of us at the Corley Law Firm.

Corinne Corley

I said that??

I was tooling around on the internet and found a great article! And then realized that I had written it five years ago. . .

Ins and Outs of Custody Cases

"A Private Matter"

I hear this from many prospective clients -- they call the police because Mom or Dad is withholding the child, and the police say, "It's a private matter". It is, yes, but interference with custodial rights can also be a "government" matter if it is in contravention of a court order.

But the quibbling over parenting provisions is a private matter in the sense that it is a private lawsuit between two parents. The state has an interest in protecting its children, but essentially, this is a "lawsuit". You have to pay your own lawyer in most instances, and your costs are your responsibility too. The orders are only binding on parties to the case -- not grandparents, creditors, or the IRS.

Therefore, it is important for you to understand what you are doing. You are participating in litigation for which you are responsible. You are not seeking intervention of a social worker. Your lawyer is a legal advocate, not a therapist or a volunteer helper.

I've heard it said that divorcing / separating parties "get the justice they can afford". This is a sad reality. Because it is a "private matter", you have to pay for the fight in which you engage.

So -- make sure that what you are fighting to attain is worth the time, money and anguish you are going to expend on it. Your lawyer deserves to be paid, just as you get paid for your work. Don't you want to pay him or her to fight over something important, rather than over something petty?

The courts might well rule on the issues you bring to it -- and that's another thing regarding which you need to be cautious. Do you want them to rule? Wouldn't you rather decide your own fate? If you can't decide, they will; and even if you reach an agreement, the Court will still have to approve it. But coming before the Court with an agreement makes it very likely that your wishes will be followed.

It is, in the end, a private matter -- but that private matter is launched into the public arena, where it can drift, crash, or glide to port. Be attentive, be reasonable, and be diligent.

It's your life, after all, and maybe the lives of your children. Don't you want smooth sailing?